When you find yourself in an argument with someone – especially a loved one – it can be very difficult to find your way out. No matter how much you want to stop the argument, it can be very hard to end it without at least one person feeling emotionally injured. Ending an argument amicably without feeling defeated and emotionally hurt is perfectly possible. It takes a new perspective and a simple but powerful technique.
What’s the Problem?
The reason arguments are so difficult to end is because while you are arguing your body is in an emergency (fight or flight) state. Apart from the stress chemicals making you feel angry, frustrated and any other emotions you may be feeling during the argument; during this state the activity in the prefrontal cortex of your brain is minimized. This means your cognitive thinking is impaired. Your prefrontal cortex processes your abilities to see opportunities, solve problems, reason and process information intellectually.
While you are in a fight, freeze or flight state (any negative emotional state causes the body to go into some degree of fight, freeze or flight) you are not able to think clearly because that part of your brain has been effectively taken offline for the “emergency” so that your body can prioritize fighting physically, pretending to be dead, or running away.
Have you ever noticed you say things impulsively in an argument that you later wish you hadn’t said? Have you noticed that after an argument you think of all the things you “should” have said or could have said? That’s because once your body starts to come out of the emergency state, your prefrontal cortex begins to work properly again – and that’s when you start realizing options you weren’t able to access while you were in that state.
What’s the Solution?
Now that you know what’s happening inside your brain and body while you’re in an argument, you can use a simple technique to help yourself to reduce the intensity of the emergency state, and allow yourself to end the argument more easily. Using FasterEFT, you can interrupt the signal between the brain and the organs that is causing the production of the fight or flight chemicals. There are two parts to really resolving arguments in your life.
Reruns and Rehearsals
When we’re hyped up into argument mode, we tend to replay or plan our arguments in our minds – when the other person is not there. We go over the things we’re going to say or should have said; we imagine or remember what the other person said. It is important to remember that any time you are doing this – whether it’s remembering what happened, or thinking about what might happen – you are rehearsing. You are rehearsing for an argument; and just as an actor learns his lines and moves, you are learning your conflict.
When an actor rehearses a scene over and over, the lines and moves become wired in his brain so that, after a certain point, he no longer needs to consciously think about what he’s saying or doing in order to remember it. The words and moves come automatically, and he only needs to concentrate on his performance. When you replay an argument in your mind, or plan what you’re going to say in the next argument, you are wiring that conflict into the neocortex of your brain. And the fact that the brain and body don’t know the difference between reality and thought means that while you are rehearsing, the brain is signaling your organs to produce the same stress chemicals it would if you were in the actual argument.
The combination of wiring the circuits of that conflict in your neocortex and producing the matching chemicals causes that state to be recorded in the amygdala – making it an automatic reaction that you are no longer consciously in control of. This is the reason we experience people “pushing our buttons” – it’s a subconscious reaction that the conscious mind has little to no control over.
How FasterEFT can Help You
Using FasterEFT can help you to not only prevent the effects of rehearsing and rerunning; it can also undo the effects of previous reruns and rehearsals. This can stop the cycle of arguments that you may find yourself in with specific people.
It is most effective to use FasterEFT both in advance and in the moment. Using it in advance (now, for example) will address previous connections that are producing an automatic reaction (buttons being pushed). Using it in the moment will help you to take control of your fight or flight reaction, and keep your prefrontal cortex working effectively – which will allow you to think more clearly and be less emotionally vulnerable.
These are the steps to take now – before rehearsals, and before the next “production” – before the next argument. Using the following technique now will help to pave the way for a more peaceful experience for you.
Think of the argument that bothered you most. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and go back to that moment in time. See what you saw, hear what you heard, feel what you felt. Notice how you know it bothers you – what are you feeling? Where in your body are you feeling it, and how strong is that feeling?
Using two fingers, and focusing on the feeling of your fingertips on your skin, gently tap the following meridian points while saying the phrases. If this seems weird, read: The REAL Cause of All Your Problems to find out how and why it works.
– Between your eyebrows – “I release and let this go.”
– Beside your eye – “It’s okay to let it go now.”
– Under your eye – “It’s safe to let it go now.”
– Just below your collarbone – “I don’t need to hold onto this any longer, and I’m safe as I’m letting it go.”
Grab your wrist, take a deep breath, blow it out, and say “Peace” then go to a peaceful memory. Enjoy the feeling of your peaceful memory for a moment.
Go back to the memory of the argument, and notice if it’s changed. If it has, notice how it’s changed and what is left. Then repeat Steps Two to Four until the memory has completelyflipped. If the memory has not changed, notice what’s bothering you most about it. Is it the voices, the expressions, the content? Just notice what it is that bothers you most, and then go back to Step Two and repeat the process until the memory flips.
Don’t stop until the memory has completely flipped. To find out what that means and why it’s so important, read: Why do We Flip Memories in FasterEFT?
Once you have flipped that memory, go to another memory of an argument that bothers you, and do the same with that one.
Rehearsals and Reruns
From now on, whenever you catch yourself thinking about an argument – rerunning it or rehearsing what you’re going to say next time – stop in the moment, and go through the FasterEFT technique above. For Step One, just notice how you know you want to replay or plan the argument. Notice how you know, and what it feels like. Notice the reasoning that comes up in your mind. Then tap. Repeat steps Two through Four until the compulsion to plan or rehash has gone, and is replaced by a good feeling.
By doing this you are literally rewiring your brain for peace
instead of conflict.
Whenever you find yourself in an argument from now on, use the FasterEFT technique in the moment. Naturally, if you start physically tapping on yourself while in the middle of the argument, it may look odd; but fortunately you can use the Mental Tapping technique – which works just as well. In order to make this process more effective and faster, it is worth using the technique as soon as you feel an argument starting. In other words, rather than waiting for it to get into full swing before tapping; as soon as you can feel the familiar signs of an argument brewing, start using the Mental Tapping technique right then, in the moment.
Taking this action will help you to live a peaceful life, free from arguments and conflict.
For more information on how and why FasterEFT works, visit: The FasterEFT Belief System.
For more guidance on using the FasterEFT technique, visit: Tips on Using FasterEFT.
To see others benefiting from FasterEFT watch the videos in the FasterEFT in Action Playlist.