When people think of healing relationships, they often think of romantic relationships. They want to know how to make their marriage work, discover why they can’t keep a partner for more than a couple of months, or why they seem to be chronically single. But the truth is that you can’t begin to work on romantic relationships until you’ve healed your familial relationships.
All relationships we have today (especially romantic ones) are reflections of relationships we had with our mothers — or our fathers, or other family members. For most people, the mother is the first and primary relationship, which is why we’re focusing there today. If your primary relationship is with a different family member, just replace the word mother with grandmother, aunt, or whoever that figure is for you.
As someone who comes from a long line of broken familial relationships, I’m something of an expert in this area. My mother had me as a teenager and while I had a father, I knew the man that served as my father wasn’t my biological father. I never knew much about him until I took an ancestry-based DNA test that led me to family I didn’t even know I had (a story for another time).
So you can say that I understand when people try to explain their complicated family dynamics. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to have a mother who didn’t live up to your expectations. I know what it’s liked to have strained holidays, bitter family members, and a lack of closure — but more importantly, I know how to heal myself as a result.
Even before my mother passed away two years ago, I was working on healing my relationship with her. But I didn’t actually need her there to heal, because the real problem was within me.
My relationship with my mom was complicated. I always had this feeling that she wasn’t what she was supposed to be. I held things against her, like the fact that she kept who my biological father was a secret. She wasn’t really there for me. And looking back, I understand. By the time she was 19, she had four children. She was human. She was doing the best she could.
Without meaning to, I’d created a distorted version of my mother, and it was affecting our relationship. I always saw her as distant and not there, and so that’s what our relationship became as I grew older.
After I started working on myself, I started getting closer to her. When I rewrote the memories of her with eutaptics/FasterEFT, I was able to let go of the distorted version of the mother inside me. I realized that she wasn’t the distant mother I always remembered, at least not anymore, and we were able to build a new relationship. I got to experience her in a different way, in different circumstances in both of our lives.
See, I had the power to change our relationship all along. And so do you.
Our family relationships — especially with our mothers — do impact us. We build a relationship model based on those early relationship. They’re the foundation for our understanding of relationships, and if that relationship is broken, it’s incredibly difficult to have other relationships that are beneficial.
If you change the mother within you, it will change how you view your mother. It might affect her, or it might not. There’s a chance that she may still have the same issues and problems she’s always had — but her behavior won’t affect you anymore. You can love her and have a relationship with her without her controlling you.
That’s what Dierdre experienced.
She loved her mother dearly, but when Dierdre was around her mother she had an uneasiness. It was a struggle to be around her.
So Dierdre worked on herself and the mother within her, rewriting her memories of her mother. Only then she was able to let go of things she didn’t even know she was holding onto. And that enabled her to build a new relationship with her mother: a healthy and happy one. It became a pleasure to spend time with her, while she used to dread it. They ended up going on trips and creating amazing memories, which Dierdre treasures even more now that her mother has passed.
Last weekend was Mother’s Day, which always serves as a great reminder for us to deal with our mothers: both the ones inside us and the physical mothers we have.
Don’t you want to be able to remember your mother with a smile? Despite our previously distant relationship, I’m able to. When I think of her sometimes, I can even feel her lips kissing my cheek. When I smell apricot jam, I know she’s with me because it brings back all those wonderful memories we have together.
If you’ve done some eutaptics/FasterEFT training, you know that there are six important ways to improve your life. One of those is to pick a project. I highly recommend picking your mother as a project. You can use that as a way to improve your relationship with her — and all the other relationships in your life.
If you’d like help working on that project, or simply learning more about eutaptics/FasterEFT, consider signing up for this course: How to Master Yourself.