April 12, 2011 at 7:00 am #24288
Hi everyone – I'm having some deep problems with the relationship I'm in. I've had this sudden negative change and I'm not sure why – some perspective would be appreciated. Sorry that this is so long – but I'd appreciate someone reading it and offering some help.
Almost three months ago I started a relationship with a lovely lady that I met through work friends. I was single for a few years and working on myself – I'm not really interested in messing around and all that. I just got the feeling that the next woman I'm with will be someone who I can marry. Not something you can say for sure but its what I've been thinking. Well, after spending time with this lady I found everything about her amazing, we both started to fall for each other and we ended up sharing our feelings and “made it official” (that was 2 and a half months ago). Since then it just got stronger and stronger – and its not like she hasn't got her own “stuff” or faults, but its like I don't care. Shes such a kind and beautiful person, and she treats me as well as I've been trying to treat her – it feels like we can grow together. It seems quick but we've just really been in love with each other, and after calmly thinking about it I feel that I want to marry her (we figured waiting for two years would be good). I've been comfortable with this thought – which is new for me since I've never felt like that about someone (even when I thought I was in love before). But its nice to have found someone so special.
We've both had some things come up and have worked through some stuff in the relatively short time we've been together. I've had triggers that seem to have nothing to do with my relationship, but relate to the bad relationships I've had before. In short – I've really been forced to face all the stuff inside of me lately, and the tapping has been a bit of a miracle on some days. I seem to have a lot of issues and physical pain – and I feel like I should be better sometimes but shes told me that shell stand by me even with the pain and whatnot. Which Ive never experienced from someone either.
Enter the problem I'm having. Maybe a week ago I had this sudden change – and I'm talking within the space of, I don't know – 30 minutes. I've been feeling so guilty and terrible – and like I can't love. I have this feeling like maybe it won't work – and this fear that thats true and that I'm about to ruin everything and hurt her. I have these images of things not working out or of me telling her theres something wrong with me and I can't carry on. I just don't have that loving feeling – things seem pretty bleak. And I feel bad that I don't have it, like I should have it. I can't think of any solid reason as to why I have it, I have no problems with her. I think shes great and I want to give her the best and not run away from this. An I deserve something good like this in my life too. So I'm not sure why I'm feeling so bad, and I'm feeling guilty for feeling like this towards her (I almost don't want to see her) and this is making me feel a bit desperate, like I'm just gonna break down and cry. I wish it would just go away and that I could enjoy my relationship without this stuff coming up.
I've been tapping a lot. It does help but I'm not sure whats going on here. Part of me is thinking, if you really love someone is it possible to suddenly feel like this about them? Am I actually going to hurt her because of all my stuff and all the calm feelings that I had about finding the right person were somehow not true? I just don't want that to be true. And I feel guilty about talking to her about it since I don't want her to stress about there being problems when at the moment she seems to love me and be the same and I feel like I'm imploding (although I treat her the way she deserves to be treated no matter how I'm feeling). I just want to be happy and not ruin this.
To add to what be going on: The last relationship I had was the same – I didn't feel as good about the person or want to marry them but I had all these negative feelings about feeling like its not right and I need to break up with them (we were living together at the time), and I felt like a really terrible person for doing it. There was just a lot of negative stuff linked to that relationship. So I'm having the same feelings but this time with someone who I really want to be with. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve love? I'm not sure?
And at the time that I had the sudden negative change, this is what happened (this part gets X-rated, please be advised!):
*I don't like talking about our more intimate details, but I need help on this and I guess its for a good cause – making this relationship better.Things have been really intimate between us – it doesn't feel like just sex, its really like being connected into one body. And its not like I crave more and more – just being with her is great. Another thing I've never experienced before. I always felt like I only want sex with real love, so this has been a blessing.*
So this is what happened: I was looking through a book on sex tips and it gave a list of movies to watch “while busy” that could be exciting. My girlfriend showed interest in this (she told me a married friend tried it) so I downloaded one (really old – from the 70s), partly to give it a try, partly to see what was considered riske in the 70s. We did try this for like a minute the one night but I found the porn to be a turn off so we shut it off. Well, I looked over a few parts of the movie I downloaded from the 70s briefly and then shut it off. Afterwards I felt really bad. I grew up with porn, didn't realise that I was addicted to it through my teen years and early 20s and then had this struggle of confusion between it being arousing and making me feel guilty for using it at the same time. So thats not a great sexual link there. Well, I eventually stopped using it – and I cant look at a pornographic scene without looking at the woman in the eyes and feeling compassion for her and thinking that shes being abused in some way. Its just not a good representation of sex, but thats another story. So its been a struggle to differentiate between sex being good and having these negative addictive feelings. Well after looking at a few pieces of of what I downloaded and deleting it – I got a lot of those worthless feelings back, and that sexual sort of addictive feeling – like its all about getting off rather than something deeper. Not what I believe but the negative feelings are there. And somehow this got me feeling so negative towards my relationship – like I'm not good enough for it. Again, sexual negativity was a theme in my past relationship. Sexual stuff just seems to be looming over me, and just 7 days ago it didn't matter – I just knew that I was lucky enough to finally be expressing myself sexually in a healthy way with someone I appreciate.
So I'm thinking maybe I feel like dirt and like I don't deserve this and I've somehow slipped into old patterns?
I did a lot of tapping on images of being younger and using porn (at a time when I didn't know better) and on using sex in the right way but this overall negativity remains. Like my relationship is in turmoil.
So I feel like I'm a really good person, and I've found someone who's really good too. And these negative feelings are tearing me apart (to be dramatic) – I really want to be happy and in control and to not feel like theres no love here. If these are just my issues and I can tap this all away and make things work (and not hurt this beautiful beautiful person I'm with – or myself!) I'll tap every minute I get that isn't used working or sleeping. Its really time to stop feeling so bad in life.
Any perspectives/advice/support would really be appreciated. Do I have the wrong perspective on love here? If I just don't feel right anymore is there something wrong with the relationship or is it just my stuff – it seemed to happen so suddenly. But I'll stop talking now, I'm really dragging on. Thanks guys for reading this far!April 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm #24289
Found this video when I was on u tube, maybe helpfull for you too.
CarlaApril 14, 2011 at 4:08 am #24290
Roberts video will give you lots of good starting points to let go.
From your description is sounds to me like you are following your normal, emotional patterns. This pattern of feeling distant from your partner, you had it before. When did you learn to feel that way? what other events made you feel that way? What other persons? You will find the answers in your childhood memories. Go there and change them so that you are seeing yourself in a whole new light.
It also sounds like there is some stuff to let go off around your addiction. You may have kicked the habit, but you still need to let go of whatever is there that created the addiction.
Keep tapping. It takes time to find all the memories and change them, work on yourself because of what it does for you. Start now practicing thinking and feeling as if you were already free of these issues.
JuliaApril 14, 2011 at 7:20 am #24291
Thanks for the replies – I'm tapping a whole lot – it seems like theres plenty to work through. One thing leads to another and another and another, and sometimes I'm not sure what to focus on with all the stuff thats floating around, so I just tap on how I'm feeling overall until something comes up.
In the meantime I've been acting as if, it definitely helps…April 14, 2011 at 7:40 am #24292
Joy W. PanParticipant
154. Shifts Happen — Faster EFT NLP Robert Smith
RS's great video 154, at about 7:50…. and on….
This also might be helpful for your transformation. Peace
SpinningApril 14, 2011 at 10:31 pm #24293
Robert G. SmithKeymaster
April 15, 2011 at 5:41 am #24294
This tapping is really something – I went into a memory yesterday and kept tapping. The intensity of it was overwhelming, it must have really been hiding in there somewhere. I just stuck with it an eventually I had what feels like a really big shift. I feel like I have tons to do but after that last night I felt much better than I have for a while. I see why this stuff takes commitment – its plain scary when you literally feel like death and have to just keep tapping and looking for a new perspective, hoping you'll get through it. Very cool though. Draining too – I think I stuck with this one thing for like an hour and a half.
It feels like it leaves a big gap behind though, I wasn't completely sure what to do so I just changed the memory and then read over my happy diary/journal for a bit. I'll have to find a way to let go and focus on something good rather than feel like I'm trying to hold the shifts I've had in place. I can't say I'm looking forward to whatever may come up in the next session but I'll be putting in a good 2-3 hours worth each day until I get through my stuff. I figure life isn't that great when you have all these problems so its not really cutting into anything more important – I'll make it my number 1 priority.
Thanks for the help guys so far guys!April 15, 2011 at 3:35 pm #24295
great job, sounds like you figured out how to make it work. I too have created big shifts in my life and I often tap for long periods on the same issue.
The tapping can be exhausting. What you are doing is right on. Flip the memory and practice feeling good. If none of these issues existed in your life, how would you feel about yourself and the relationship? Those are the feelings you want to practice. It doesn't matter what is happening in the world, your emotional state is up to you and is the only things that really matters. There's no reason why you shouldn't feel like you think you should right now. And if there is, tap it away.
Keep us updated.
JuliaApril 18, 2011 at 2:43 am #24296
Thanks for the reply!
Its strange, I'm trying to tap on these issues and of memories where I felt this before but it feels like its one big life pattern. If none of these issues existed I'd feel great – on paper it seems like I have the perfect situation, but I'm feeling like crap.
I had a good weekend, trying to focus my mind on these feelings shifting and me staying with her and enjoying the good situation we're in (I did lots of mental tapping too) – it was actually one of the best, most relaxed days Ive had in a while. I had a headache most of the day and it was exhausting to keep reminding myself though – and at the end of the day I had another sudden flip. I just felt rubbish and “unloving”. Like I shouldn't even be touching her, having dinner with her, anything. It feels like I have this life pattern of liking pain – like I'm seeing and choosing the options that will hurt the most. Hurt her, hurt me – make me feel worthless. It feels like a compulsion to run away, to find something different. But I'm not attracted to (I mean in terms of life choices in general) something different – its more like I'm running away from something. I have these strong panicked feelings of getting away, like I can't handle this. And its making me feel worse and worse since I don't want to feel like this and I can't keep being with someone while I feel this way since it feels like I'm deceiving her.
It seems a bit extreme to say, but I feel like if I can't handle this and I leave her because of my problems – its life over. Not because I can't live without her (although I really want her there) but because I can't live with myself. I'll hate myself for taking what I have now and ruining it – particularly since I've waited for a long long time to get what I want – and if I have it now and feel like I can't handle it – then whats left for me to choose? I don't want anything else, so its like the pain is left and thats it. At the moment I physically feel pain everywhere from the stress and whatnot– so that cant be healthy, hmm…
I guess my only option is to keep on tapping. I'm just wondering, if I was her, would I want to know whats happening in my head? It doesn't seem like expressing these things and feelings to her cant be good in any way. I'd rather be strong and make her feel safe and secure and let go of my own “stuff” – which would make that true. Anyone have any comments on that?April 18, 2011 at 6:10 am #24297
Joy W. PanParticipant
@about 2:30, mayby this might be helpful……April 18, 2011 at 1:13 pm #24298
you are on the right path. It is a life issue. You learned to feel this way to protect yourself starting in childhood. Look at your early experiences, which ones made you feel in a similar manner? Who else was there?
For example, this feeling of being unloving and rubbish, who and how did you learn that? Do you have a parent that spoke of themselves like that? Did someone treat you as a child in a manner so that you would have drawn that conclusion?
You are not choosing the option that will hurt the most, but rather you believe that if you don't get out now, the pain will be much bigger in the future. You are running from pain, but it's the pain in your past, not the current relationship you are running from. And you will take that pain with you until you learn to let it go.
As far as telling her what is going on. The wisdom you are gaining from FasterEFT is something you could share with her. It's a new way of thinking, a different way of approaching life and your problems. She too would benefit from applying FasterEFT in her life. Have you considered getting one of Robert's DVDs on Relationships and watching it with her? The belief system that is FasterEFT is very powerful, and helps people create peace in their life.
Keep on tapping. What you are dealing with has lots of different emotional connections. These are emotional states you have been practicing since you were a baby.
Be kind and patient with yourself. Remember to rest, drink water, and fee yourself.
JuliaApril 18, 2011 at 2:13 pm #24299
Here's a great video to see how these issues stem from your past.April 18, 2011 at 2:30 pm #24300
Just returned from this AMAZING TAPFEST, where this video was made yesterday.
Are there more video's on the internet from this weekend?
Love you all
CarlaApril 18, 2011 at 2:36 pm #24301
that's the first one I've seen. It takes a while to edit and upload. Are you on facebook? Robert usually post on facebook when he's uploaded a new video.
Tapfests are a great way to get healing.
JuliaApril 18, 2011 at 2:53 pm #24302
I've explained to her what I'm doing – she knows about the tapping, she also knows that I'm currently having a lot of mental problems and feeling quite crap for no reason. Shes trying to be really supportive and wants me to calm down and let it go. I told her I have stuff from the past and my past relationships (which she knows about) and I feel some of those feelings even though I don't understand why – I just haven't said that its difficult to be with her sometimes. It seems like something thats just hurtful. I would watch the DVD with her but her level of English isn't good enough to understand it – we communicate between us (since I told her all the stuff above) but I'm still learning her language and shes learning mine (I live in Korea).
I've had this overwhelming feeling the whole day today (very depressed) – Its the same as when I've broken up with someone before (I mean 1 person in particular – my “main” past relationship) and had all this guilt and pain from that. And also the thought that I've let someone good get away and of them marrying someone else and all that. Those kinds of feelings but really amped up – theres something there that really affects me, more than it should. I know the past lady wasn't the right one, so its like I'm having these “break up” feelings towards my current girlfriend while we're still together. I was trying to tap on specific memories of it but most of the stuff I could think of was just overwhelmed by my current feeling so I tapped on that – and I kept on tapping for over 3 hours. I got no proper relief but I have to believe its doing something – every now and again it is easier to breathe. I did get a lot of feelings from this past relationship – like I should be with that women and go back and whatnot. I don't believe this or feel this way at all though – its just the “stuff” popping up. The things I'm experiencing now are actually exactly the same as that relationship (except my current girlfriend is a better fit time a thousand). I also had these “escape” feelings then. And I followed a pattern of disrupting things, feeling the pain, trying again, repeat. That relationship still bothers me, its not easy to think about it. It seems to affect me more than it should.
In terms of younger days, my dad died early and my mom was a ball of stress that didn't have much emotional love to give as we were growing up (8+). Pretty much walking on egg shells – and I know I often wanted to leave home. It wasn't the safest, most loving environment ever, although I see she did her best. And at times when my mom would explode or make us feel bad for no reason, she would “flip” it and say that we're ugly or whatever if we say something back. And I would usually feel guilty and tense until things felt normal again in the house. I actually left home when I was 19 to live with the ex girlfriend mentioned – not the best move ever, and I probably knew it, but I think anything to get out on my own would do.
Seems like some obvious links here but I can't feel these things that strongly. The memories seem very vague and the clear ones don't quite reach a 10 in intensity, but my current feelings are like a 30. So its hard to work on past memories with this drowning them out.
Thanks again guys. It can feel like I'm going nowhere with this – it helps to have some feedback on all this and to watch the vid links 🙂
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